Unintentional Mythology

A Good Start

2010-10-25T22:32:00.000-04:00

Listening to Husker Du today and making plans to go to the gym. I've always been into music, but just recently got into fitness. I think it's this whole almost turning 30 mortality trip. Came along with quitting smoking. Need to stop abusing the shit out of my body.I've been a crazy work-a-holic so I've been going through a lot of down time in regard to the gym. Tonight that changes, hopefully the first of many changes.

I'm working on sorting out my head. I've been going through a slight phase of existentialism. Trying to figure out who I am, why I am, what I am doing with my life, etc. It's kind of depressing. There is a lot of work I need to get done.

I also need to work on setting goals. Some things I would like to accomplish, I would like to learn how to write chip-tune music, I'd like to get some hobbies, and I would like to get over my social phobia.

Yeah that's a good start I think. I'd also like to figure out how to manage my time better so I didn't spend it all working and sleeping. The gym might help with that. Lets hope so.

New Beginnings

2010-10-24T22:48:00.000-04:00

Sitting here listening to the Pixies and kind of wanting a cigarette. Funny what things go hand in hand in my mind. I haven't smoked in over 2 years and I really haven't listened to the Pixies in almost 10. Man I am getting old. Good stuff though, very relaxing in it's own way. I can't figure out why I wasn't more into these guys back in the day. Oh yeah the whole metal/punk thing. Very exclusive... very fucking lame in it's own way. I'm not good for cliques or trends. I tend to turn on things, it's part of being a cynical realist. I think I mock metal and punk music and fans more than any other "sub" culture these days.

Anyway on to the substance of this blog. It's all about new beginnings. As you may have noticed, the old blog was pure rant drivel, unfocused and not very entertaining. This new format is going to be more stream of consciousness and introspective. I don't really give a shit if it's entertaining or not.

I've titled it Unintentional Mythologies: White lies and repression, because it is going to be an experiment of sorts in fictional non-fiction. I don't really like talking about myself and it blurs into the realm of writing about myself. So I am giving myself creative license to make shit up. That way anyone reading this, besides myself most likely, won't totally know whether what I am writing is truth or fiction. Thus I can be more comfortable writing about actual events in my life. Also this should make things a little more entertaining if anyone else ever reads this... win-win really.

So hopefully this will last longer then the previous blog... Cheers to new beginnings...

death of passion

2009-05-27T23:23:00.001-04:00

my mind is a constant war zone. i am always striving for balance. things are getting out of hand. i spend too much time alone and have lost touch with how to interact with people. i don't even know where to begin. i work and it never feels like i do enough, there is never enough time. i enjoy time alone because i can unwind when i am by myself. but i miss being around people even if it makes me uncomfortable these days. the last couple of times i have been out in public have been fine, quite enjoyable, even if parts were totally fucked up. fun overall. being around people makes me anxious and i never know what to say anymore. i need time off. vacation is coming soon. it is good to have things to look forward to, makes me feel less fucked up. i never quite know which is wrong, how people see me, their assumptions and perceptions or how i see myself. i know i am too hard on myself, or so i think, but it's never enough. i am an island and i won't stop until i am dead, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger and i constantly feel like i am living on borrowed time.

That's what she said...

2009-04-28T23:51:00.001-04:00

Other peoples opinions of my life always amuse me. Mostly because fuck most people don't know me, they know bits and pieces but they don't know the whole deal. No one really does. It's all part of my alienation, I am never completely comfortable around anyone to share everything.

Tonight was fun and interesting. It was my best friend's birthday so there was fire, booze, and good times. Also people I hadn't seen in a long time. And this leads to stories. One that particularly gets stuck in my craw per say, mostly because I don't think it's accurate or maybe the person telling it just sees the truth better than me.

Anyways in a random turn of events she says remember that girl who totally wanted to sleep with you? My reply there was never a girl who totally wanted to sleep with me. Her response yeah she totally dug you and wanted you that night. My retort, I believe you are mistaken. The counter argument no she wanted you and you threw it out the window, you always throw it out the window. It's like you built this brick wall and it's blinded you.

At that comment I conceded the point because in a way she was right. Not about that situation, at least I don't think so, maybe other situations, but not the specific one she was talking about, or maybe she was right and I was wrong.

I do have the brick wall, it's called an inability to connect with people, it's called I don't trust people. Putting shit on a limb and gambling with emotions leads to pain, and I work better without that bullshit. I subdue that shit until it goes away. I learn to love the loneliness, because it makes me more efficient. Maybe it does blind me which is a damn shame because I consider myself pretty damn analytical. "I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel..." Intimacy with people leads to compromise, lies, and pain... that way thar be dragons...

Anyways that's just what she said...

Ignorance

2009-04-27T00:23:00.001-04:00

I find it odd to be called ignorant for my beliefs, but I was. It is bothersome in a certain respect. Maybe because I fear they are right, maybe I am ignorant. I always find myself in a constant state of learning. The thing is the situation is fucked either way. I cannot change what I know due to experience, hey maybe I didn't read this shit in a fancy book, or on some fucking website, but I fucking lived it. I have been in the fucking thick of it. And I have no fear. Is that ignorance? Is that wrong? I figure I am just above this shit. There are shitty people out there, the only thing that should define them is how shitty they are. I know I am being vague, and maybe that is wrong, fuck maybe it's some fucked up passive aggressive shit. But I feel it is better this way. I judge people based on my experiences with them and nothing else. Does that mean I am not paranoid or suspicious of people? No, but I try my hardest to not let my own flaws cloud my judgment. Fuck all I ask is keep an open mind. For the most part I dislike all people. I am not a people person, my isolation comforts me, but at the same time I refuse to let it blind me.

Devourment

2009-04-25T20:48:00.001-04:00

So I was going to just cheat this blog and copy pasta a survey I did earlier but for some reason the survey did not post and I am too lazy to redo the whole damn thing, plus I don't think I could recapture the essence of it, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I was rereading it and figured I was being too cynical and depressed in it anyways. And someone reading it probably would have misinterpreted what I had written and someone would have gotten offended, and someone would be worried and all this other non-essential stuff. This is of course all hypothetical. It was kind of intense though.

So this weekend my jaw just decided it was going to start randomly throbbing in pain. At first I figured fuck I have another super cavity (yay no dental insurance for damn near 4 years) and might need a tooth pulled or some shit due to it being abcessed, but when I probed my teeth there was no sharp pain indicating cavity or immediate problem. I then realized fuck, this is throbbing isn't in my teeth or even my gums, it goes right up my jaw line and is closer to my ear. Then I figure eh it must be TMJ or some shit. I guess it's just strain from stress, because whenever something extremely fucking stupid or frustrating occurs at work, instead of screaming and punching shit, I clench my jaw and kind of grin and bear it. Apparently I have been doing this a bit too much.

Earlier this week I realized one of the reasons I am so quiet around people that don't know me so well, instead of my friends who can just kind of put up with my random crazy shit. I forget that sometimes I get verbal diarrhea and speak before thinking and then when I see the look in people's eyes that what the fuck is wrong with you look, the oh my god he's going to open his mouth again look. I realize I am quiet because I'd rather avoid these situations, at the same time I am glad people can still give me that look, because it leads to introspection on how I can better control my thought to mouth filter.

Finally first place at trivia this past Wednesday fuck the nay sayers

On dog, the god is blind

2009-04-18T23:49:00.000-04:00

The story of 2009 thus far is the story of "Necro-Herpes" this is probably some urban legend, and if it is remotely true it is seriously fucked up. So I heard this story the other night about a girl who went to the Tigers opening game and afterwords went to a bar with some friends and she had been drinking and was making out with this dude, and apparently was going to go home with him, but her friends convinced her to just get his number and go home alone for the night. So anyways the next day she had this horrible rash around her mouth so she goes to the doctors and they diagnose it is some rare rash that appears on dead bodies. Well she figures she must of got it from making out with that dude at the bar and decides to give the his number to the police and they go check the place out and apparently the dude had 3 dead bodies at his house that he had been eating regularly. Eh probably urban legend material but still seriously fucked.

So lately I have been having more fucked up dreams but at the same time I am glad I can remember dreaming that to me is a good sign. I am trying to not be a hermit or feel so socially awkward though it is all a work in progress.

Went to a Bonfire the other night in the end it ended up just being my best friend and I drinking beers, and cooking venison over an open flame. I figure the only way this situation could have been anymore stereotypically manly is if the deer had wandered into his yard and we had killed it with our bare hands before starting the fire and cooking shit. I mean, fire, beer, and meat cooking on an open flame, serious fucking caveman shit.

Also on my way home tonight I was getting gas for my car and there was like 5 dudes trying to start a fight with some homeless guy apparently because he asked them if they had any change. They were a bunch of drunk fucking knuckle-draggers. Obnoxious douchefags. So I give the dude 58 cents because that is all I had on me so he could buy some cigarettes, he asked for a lift but I wasn't going his way and not going to lie I have issues with having strangers in my car. I just can't fathom wanting to kick someones ass because they asked you for money, seriously you know you can say no. Fucking a.

Well that's it I guess I need to get out more often, seriously fucked up shit occurs when I am out and about.

And this is why I never went to the good schools

2009-04-13T20:34:00.001-04:00

So between the stranger thoughts that roam around in my head, stuff like sometimes I wonder why I always see pretty girls with shitty tattoos, my paranoia that future society will be nothing but predetermined talking points and redundant fashion statements, or my sudden nightmares about being stuck by myself in an elevator with a CD player or the dreams about smoking. I have come up with a genius idea for a new televangelical experience. JESUSTRON 5000! Imagine something along the lines of a bastard child of Voltron and Power Rangers. Where there are 4 warriors of Christ who have their own robot animal things, modeled after the 4 books of the gospel, an ox, an angel, a lion, and an eagle. That form together into the 4 parts of a crucifix that then transforms into a giant robotic Jesus on steroids that shoots beams of salvation out of his eyes and has his mighty sword of justice. Now let me get back to reality for a minute here. I seriously had this all thought out at lunch today and realized I spent way too much time on thinking this out and then it occurred to me that this must actually be a show somewhere on some network, maybe on satellite. Yeah sometimes I am lame.

Some good type news for once...

2009-04-09T18:03:00.000-04:00

So earlier today I thought of something positive that happened and I figured I would write about it so everyone doesn't think my life is nothing but piss, shit, and vinegar. So anyways most Wednesday nights I go to Malarkey's in Westland, because Shane does trivia there, and it's fun to go and drink beer and pretend I am smart. If people have nothing to do on Wednesday nights they should go and join me there it's typically good times. Anyways so last night Jessie and I were there playing trivia and holy shit were we sucking. We finally got to the point where we figured if we were going to lose we might as well lose terribly. Long story short by the end of it all we got 2nd place. Which won us a $15 gift card to Malarkey's. So that was cool. I then went to Stockdales which I haven't been to in forever and saw a lot of the old crowd which was cool, though I didn't talk much, I wasn't feeling very social. So it was overall an interesting night.

Downtime Destruction

2009-04-09T14:37:00.000-04:00

I don't spend my time wisely and this bothers me. I spend my down time sleeping and the rest of my time working. I need to get up and get moving and keep moving and be active. I am getting soft. Fuck I am soft. On my days off I spend my days sleeping and watching the news and just getting pissed off and frustrated with the world, and I spend my evenings drinking and not accomplishing much of anything. Then I go back to the grind which defines my life so much now a days. Some days are good and some days are bad, but mostly it is all a blur and I think that makes me sad the most. Because I know I will look back on this time in the near future and think what a fucking waste. I need to push myself more. I need to force myself to be uncomfortable, to stay on my toes, to think on the run. Sometimes I just don't know where to start. I don't feel like a part of this world, and it's hard for me to feel like I belong, so I apologize if that makes me seem stand offish or offends people, I just can't relate to much of anything anymore. Everything seems to happen outside the scope of my world view. Man this shit is depressing, I do believe sometime it will get a little more upbeat. Maybe.

I need to start forcing myself to write more

2009-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days where at the end of it all I just want to go home and sleep. Sleep or beat the shit out of things. It's just one of those days where I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Work just keeps piling up and no matter what I do it never goes away. The frustration tends to build, and it doesn't help that I just push it all down. It starts to become OK how long until I snap? I can't have that at all. I am stronger than that. I will break this before it breaks me. But doubt is starting to settle in. I do this because it is a challenge for me and what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger.
I keep thinking on how I will talk myself out of writing these blogs, I always have something in my mind and I'll go to write it and I wait and eventually I kind of talk myself down and don't write anything I need to write more.

The man with the wicked looking knife and glassy stare is making me nervous

2009-04-04T19:54:00.004-04:00

It has been a year since I quit smoking, I haven't wavered once. It is surreal because there was a time when I would have believed I never would quit. I need something new to quit this year, maybe drinking. I don't know. I need more change. I am a workaholic and a hermit. I need to fix this. I don't get out enough and feel alien around people. I am actually getting sick of being alone, maybe I am just starting to feel my age. My life has become work and video games and drinking when I have time off. I need more. I need to learn to make time. I can't be 30 and living with my parents. Oh the horror of it all. I'd like to think maybe I'd become a vegetarian, but that would never happen. I don't have the patience to have a special diet. This post is all over the fucking place. I like that, it reminds me of the way my mind works. All over the place and back again within seconds. I need to expand my horizon because everything is becoming more and more often same shit different day and this is leading to mind death. I never have anything to talk about anymore because my life has become sleep and helping old people who have fallen and can't get up. I miss my friends dearly though and wish I was better at making time for them. Anyways I am going to end this with some lyrics that caught my eye (ear?) a while back which I feel sums things up nicely...

"You're not as messed up as you think you are
Your self absorption makes you messier
Just settle down and you will feel a whole lot better
Deep down you're just like everybody else"

-Reasons Not To Be An Idiot (Frank Turner)

Hey I'm still alive...

2009-03-14T21:27:00.002-04:00

Yep I am still here, just not here if you know what I mean. Way too busy this job is eating my soul... but anyways I thought I'd just write not to really talk about myself because damnit I am not a fan of that at all, but to write about how excited I am that my CDs came in from HevyDevy Records today. I know lame, but seriously this is some good shit and is probably the first time in a long time that I actually bought a CD. I don't know how many people I actually know that listen to Devin Townsend, but the guy is a fuckin' musical genius... Most people if they know him or heard of him through me know him is that one angry lookin' guy with the skullet with that noisy band... Well today I got two CDs of his early demo stuff... "Ass-Sordid Demos 1990-1996" and "Ass-Sordid Demos II" Great stuff all around. I can't get enough of this. I also picked up a copy of Punky Bruster "Cooked on Phonics" because I honestly believe it is one of the greatest metal heads making fun of punks by playing punk rock ever... Better than most modern "punk" bands in my opinion... You gotta have a sense of humor about it all, I mean I dig punk rock and this album is hilarious... the basic idea of the album is explained easier if I just copy pasta from wikipedia: "Cooked on Phonics is a comedy concept album from Devin Townsend designed to make fun of bands who sell out their roots to make a quick buck. The album follows the journey of fictional death metal band Cryptic Coroner as they discover that they can make much more money performing pop punk, and become the music business's little babies, Punky Brüster."
Great stuff... So that's about all anything to keep my mind off the grind is I go into day 5 of 8 days straight of work with no time off...

Jesus Christ what the fuck!?

2009-02-19T02:26:00.002-05:00

It's been a while... I am living in the surreal world of full time employment. I can't complain though everything is so damn stressful. I like what I do even though I've come to the conclusion that most of the world is fucking insane. It's ok I'll deal. I'm running on a strange mortality trip. An old friend of mine whom I haven't talked to in forever, decided it would be super sweet to kill himself last Thursday... The funeral was Sunday which no lie I only went to because a lady friend of mine told me about what went down and asked me to go with her. And I have a feeling if I hadn't gone she wouldn't have and she needed to be there more then me. But as all things involving mortality fuck with me I am feeling my age and on a strange trip... I am not depressed per say at least not anymore than I would be on a regular day, but it is still fucked... Another life wasted... fucking a...
I try to make sense of so much and try to figure my own life out and it is so fucked... just rediculous I can't make sense of much of any of it... I need to get out more I have become too much of a hermit... I am concerned where my life leads me as I hit closer to 30... I didn't plan to be here beyond 18 and am now struggling for answers and explainations... Where should I be am I there and if not why?
I was thinking of a list today and it in of itself was fucking not all there...

Things I hate:

Rich fuckers
the white man
illiterate bastards
Most conservatives
ignorant apathatic fuckers
etc

Things I love:

What the fuck is love?

THE END

2009 year of the ironclad fire breathing two headed sea goat

2009-01-01T15:17:00.002-05:00

Well it is now 2009. A new year, a new beginning, hopefully not so much same shit different day. I rang in 2009 with White Castle. Take that as you will. Actually before the White Castle came good music and some friends I haven't seen in it seems forever. I'm trying to keep a positive spin on this, but each year that passes kind of puts me slightly on edge. The clock keeps ticking. 10 days until my birthday and from there 3 years until I'm 30. I can't imagine these numbers. I never really planned past being 18. Anyways, I don't really have a resolution yet. I never really believed in them too much as it is. I've already quit smoking so I don't know maybe this year I'll keep trying to work toward weight loss. If I could knock my weight below 200 lbs that would be great. Maybe I should work on being more social. That's a good one too. On a strange note it crossed my mind I passed another year being alone. I don't tend to dwell on this stuff too much, but it kind of bothered me when all I can think is sweet it's midnight and here I am making out with a bottle... again. I'm only being half serious. Always have to have a sense of humor about such things. Yeah anyways this is my year damn it. I hope everyone else had a happy and safe new year's eve and I wish you all the best in 2009. I figure it can only get better from here.

Welcome to the land of the yuppie scum fucks

2008-12-22T22:11:00.002-05:00

Why is my commute every day full of people driving cars that are larger than mine, more expensive than mine, and more capable of handling snow than mine? Yet not one of these fuckers can drive at least the fucking speed limit? You have fucking 4 wheel drive, shit mommy and daddy bought you a fucking jeep, god damn it your hummer is an off road fucking vehicle. Why are you fuckers driving like I did when I had an escort, with no heat or defrost, bald tires, no sway bar, a bent rim, and a rusted out destroyed under carriage with no shocks or suspension while there was a blizzard? It hasn't even really snowed in the past 2 days the roads aren't all that bad. The sad thing is it is only slightly worse than when I was commuting out here in fucking August. I'll tell you why, because all these assholes are selfish fuckers with a twisted sense of entitlement. I hope they and their fucking cell phones all fucking burn.

The best video I've seen on YouTube in a long time.

2008-11-27T22:39:00.001-05:00

My uncle just told me about this video tonight at Thanksgiving dinner, this is fucking amazing.

...and sometimes I think there is this screaming gibbering madness somewhere right behind my eyeballs just trying to break free...

2008-11-25T20:52:00.002-05:00

I've started digging through my past to try and figure out why the fuck I am where I am in the future. It all kind of started on accident, but being the pack rat I am, looking for one thing always leads to finding other things. Usually shit from like 10+ years ago and what not. Damn, I try to remember 10 years ago and I find it hard, I find it vague. It's mostly just a huge collage of nihilism and anger. I don't remember a lot of details and what I do remember seems to be twisted to fit my own interpretations. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that jazz. Plus I figure in my own way since then I've proceeded to break on through the other side, and of course I've danced with the devil in the pale moon light plus a billion other fucking ripped off quotes and cliches. I've stepped inside my own mind and twisted it inside out looked at it completely objectively and didn't care much for what I've seen. And the after effects seem to be this psychological lobotomy paired up with a Zen Buddhist neutrality in most everything. I've created autonomy by destroying need. In a completely random note which I find suiting to end this on has anyone ever noticed there is a serious lack in interesting conversations these days?

One last hurrah

2008-11-22T02:36:00.002-05:00

I don't understand people. The psychologist/sociologist/anthropologist in me understands people too well, but in reality I don't understand people. Tonight I got drawn into a discussion with a man, who to be honest I would rather have been trying to get with the girl (though it would never happen), who drew me into the discussion, then deal with the issue this guy was having. To make a long story short this man is getting married and he wants to get married but it all came suddenly upon him and he is worried about having one last fling before he settles down. Now the sad part is the man talked to me about karma and reckoning which makes me believe the man is on the level and understands that life is more complicated than television and movies make it, but he still wants this last fling. I tried to explain to him that if he is having this much of an issue about it than maybe him having the fling is not a good idea. In the end I give the guy bonus points for wanting to settle down and marry his woman, but all this other shit just kind of fucks with me. In the end what the fuck do I know. Karma, regret, fucking bad decisions these things I know, marriage, engagement, these things I don't know jack shit about. I did have Matt playing devil's advocate which helped but I don't know I think the whole situation is fucked.

it's like dropping a nuclear bomb on your brain

2008-11-11T22:17:00.002-05:00

I've been doing a lot of self reflecting lately. I've been wondering what makes me, well me, and trying to piece together a lot of confusion in my head. Like even right now, it is a real effort to think of how to phrase what I want to write, or even figure out what I want to say. When did this shit start happening, probably around the same time I stopped being able to stay interested in music and art or what have you. I keep connecting this lack of something to my lack of interest in various other things. It's like being stuck in true neutral. I don't have much passion for much of anything. I don't lean strongly one way or another. Which is not totally true, but when I find myself trying to recapture some of this passion of having an opinion I start to feel cheap and cliched. Like I am trying to be that angsty teen kid again. There is a lot of stuff out there that pisses me off, but I so rarely remain pissed off, that it seems silly at times. It's like I have horrendous opinion ADD or some shit. It's hard to stay focused on any one thing long enough to generate genuine interest in it. Also it doesn't help that I tend to be able to think on issues from multiple point of views and in a way sympathize with everyone. It's kind of like losing your voice. I figure it has to do with growing up and getting wiser. I no longer have the conviction of youth, that I can do no wrong, and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is obviously fucking stupid. Humility is a bitch sometimes. Then again I always figure if there is a school of hard knocks out there, I went to the special education beat with a lead pipe lit on fire and left for dead in a dumpster division of that school. I've done plenty of wrong, and have had plenty of wrong done to me. Kind of like, I fucked with the karmic balance of the universe and all I got was this T-Shirt and a few neuroses perhaps. I don't know some days I think I need to see a fucking shrink, then I remember I was going to school to become one and I kind of laugh... you kind of have to.

I'll marry 'em, I'll bury 'em, but I sure as fuck don't dance...

2008-11-09T21:55:00.002-05:00

There is something about weddings, kind of like funerals, that really fucks with me. I can't explain it, but it always seems these two events alway make me question my own mortality and what the fuck I am doing with my life at the time. The situation this time was actually kind of doubly fucked because I was the damn the minister. I don't even know if I believe in marriage and here I am marrying a couple. Well fuck, as far as hypocrisy goes I've done worse, and it was a nice wedding. Find me another ceremony where the bride comes down the aisle to the Imperial March from StarWars. It was a damn shame I had to follow that Friday with working my ass off all damn weekend.
Speaking of work that is a whole other batch of fuckery. Work isn't bad, but it's not extremely good either. What I mean is, it isn't horrible, but I don't feel there is a career here. It's work, and it pays the bills. I like the people more or less that I work with so it isn't that. There is something about the environment that bothers me though, and that may be the whole corporate feel to it. It makes me paranoid, and it is hard for me to be comfortable in this kind of setting. So why do I work this job? Well because it is a job in times when employment is scarce of course, but also because it challenges me. I don't mean the work is hard, because it really isn't, but it more helps me push my boundaries a little.
For example, I hate fucking phones, seriously, I hate calling people unless I absolutely have to, shit and that's people I know. I loathe calling strangers. I use the phone a lot at this job easily 95% of the time. It is stressful but what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Also it is hard for me to work for a company that provides a service I don't really believe in. Now I need to clarify, because I don't mean the product or the service we provide is shoddy. What I mean is, and maybe this is because no matter how much I bitch about how old I feel, and regardless of how old I really am, I am still pretty young, but I feel that if I ever get to the age where I need the services I provide, somebody better page Kevorkian because fuck I am done. So yet again in a fit of dare I say irony, though I am probably wrong, here I am a staunch supporter of euthanasia calmly assuring old people who have pretty much fallen and can't get up that assistance is on the way and to remain calm and that everything will be ok.
In other random info, I am close to clearing up a lot of my debt, the $6000 credit debt is completely paid off, EMU is over half way paid off, I have another credit debt I should be able to clear out by next pay check. I don't think I will be going to EMU this Winter like I wanted since enrollment started this past week and I still owe a substantial amount. Although there is always Spring.
Also I need to get the fuck out more often. I have become too much of a hermit. I miss human interaction outside of dealing with senile old people at work. I have more stuff I want to write about, but that will probably be for later since this seems to be a lot of shit here. Yeah I am done for now.

Mr. Invisible and the Cosmic Change

2008-10-09T21:29:00.003-04:00

For a while now I have held the philosophy that every 7 years people change, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, what have you. This is important because this makes 2008 going into 2009 a time of transition. For good or bad it is at least guaranteed to be different. Of all the ups and downs that go on in my life, I need to focus on the positives, especially around this time of year. I am working full time, making a decent if not living wage, I haven't smoked in over 6 months, since working my diet has improved and I am losing weight. I want to get re-enrolled into EMU by December. I need to get a fucking degree. I have been here too long without any goals or plans. Other than life being work and sleep things are pretty good, a little stressful, but when is life not stressful. I have been doing a lot of thinking of the future. Working all the time does that to me, I honestly start thinking there has got to be better things out there than this. Fuck it I want to go and be a rockstar, though I have realized I will never be an actual rockstar, I don't have the attitude for it. Eh maybe I could learn it. Also due to not having a tape deck/CD player in my car, I have started really digging what I would have formerly and still at times call shit music, it's not overly commercial but it sure as hell is way more mellow than what I usually like. Eh it's music for my "Songs Nobody Would Ever Think I'd Ever Like" CD I want to burn sooner or later. Fuck it lets all get together and make music, life is too short for this shit, for sure.

Zen in the Age of Annihilation

2008-09-09T19:44:00.002-04:00

I woke up angry today, and that's never a good sign. I can't figure it out I got plenty of sleep, in bed by 10:30, awake by 7:15. Yet, somewhere between the yuppie scum fucks I deal with on my daily commute and the general patronizing attitude of people in my general environment, I want to smash the fuck out of things. Ah how little so many things change. All I can figure is my body and mind are realigning with working 40+ hours a week. Still I can't remember the last time I went to bed at 10:30. Shit if I was still at SEEUS I would just be getting into the groove of working at 10:30. Ah well I am adjusting the change, and I definitely like the pay increase. Money can't buy happiness but $12 an hour ($18 if I work over time), definitely makes things a little easier. Now if I could find people in my work environment who were a little more liberal and less right wing, extreme Christian, I would be set. I just have to remember to be Zen, calm and collected. All things pass and life goes on.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

2008-08-24T23:04:00.002-04:00

I despise change. I enjoy living in the comfortable mediocrity of the expected. Right now my life is in a state of flux. I have a new job, I am planning on looking for a new place to live, and I am no longer attending EMU. I am not comfortable with all of this. I am worried on some level that I am going to suck at my new job, even though I know it is easy work. I miss the SEEUS crew though I know I will be hanging out with most of them here and there still. This is probably why I was still working on my degree for the past 8 or so years. Fear of change. Well I guess it is all inevitable. I just wish I could deal with it better. I figure things will look better when I, of course, get comfortable with these new changes. I just hate dealing with the uncertainty that is now. I don't think I care much for the chaos as I get older. Ah well live and learn.

Perhaps I am indeed a blind, obstinate, fuck

2008-08-18T00:45:00.003-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that I would live in denial as long as my reality let me. I have always seen the world different from your common person, but even that has blinded me to the obvious. I am an idiot. I have let so much slide through my fingers. This is not meant to be a bitch and moan blog though, this is just stating the obvious. Tonight I have been complimented more than I think I have been in a long time and still part of me remains cynical to it all. I don't trust much of anyone and that is my downfall. That and the fear. The fear of change, the fear of being myself, the fear of being honest with myself. Long story short I have come to the realization perhaps too late about some things that I need to figure the fuck out in a hurry. I am being too vague. Perhaps that is how I roll. Fucking A right. Hahaha. I have come to the conclusion that people love me anyways and I have come to the conclusion that scares me more than anything.

The Tale Of A Zen Buddhist Sociopath

2008-07-26T02:29:00.003-04:00

I am changing the format of this blog. It's probably going to get depressingly personal from now on. I tried to keep myself as separated from my rants as possible. That is no longer an option it seems. There was more I was going to write but being drunk, maybe it's not always wise. I will leave this blog announcement with a bit of wisdom I dropped at the bar tonight to someone who had in a fucked up way some insight. The advice as is follows, no matter how much one's life may suck, as long as everything else remains cosmically amusing then we are OK. Thats about all. Misery loves company and as miserable as this existence is at times, fuck it's better than nothing.

The fine art of being two-faced, or Damnit I am way too old for this shit

2008-05-18T02:49:00.002-04:00

Fuck.

Simple word, four letters, always makes me feel better to say on occasion. Things right now I think are pretty fucked up. It kind of makes me sick. I just don't get it I guess. People frustrate me, it's something I deal with on a constant basis. I can't figure it out. I think this summer is going to be pretty fucked up. I think there is too much bullshit in the under current.

I wish people would just say what they mean and mean what they say. There is too much beating around the bush, too much fucking passive aggressive bullshit. I am part of the problem for sure. I know this and acknowledge it, just like my borderline hypocrisy. It doesn't make it any more right, but it helps me to sleep at night. I think the world we live in is too fucking PC. We try too damn hard to be civil to each other, and meanings get buried because we are too busy trying to not hurt each other's feelings. Fuck that shit.

I think people need to put on the fucking adult pants and step up. This smile and nod scene needs to die out. The shit stains show up way too much on your teeth from all the trash you talk when you think no one is listening. It's worse when you are completely fucking ignorant to the whole situation. If you have no clue what's going on then just shut the fuck up. Seriously, because you sound like a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I think a lot of this shit needs to be stopped. The constant drama is going to fuck things up in the long run. I wonder how much I can take. I am starting to get pissed, and when I get pissed things get ugly before they get better. I will find a way to cut out the infection to save the whole, even if it means amputating shit. Speaking metaphorically and all that.

Moral of the story: Trust no one, as they all will fuck you over six ways to Sunday just to get what they want. Watch your back and hope for the best. There is no escape from this clusterfuck.

Fuck.

Filler

2008-05-14T23:03:00.002-04:00

Yeah just some filler until I can organize my thoughts better into a right and proper rant...

We are so fucked

2008-04-28T15:47:00.003-04:00

I know it's not actually statistically significant enough to represent even a percentage of the population, but every time I see stuff like this a little bit more of myself dies inside.

I've been feeling confrontational lately... and slightly unoriginal...

2008-04-20T21:54:00.003-04:00

I've been having some anger issues recently and since I can't think too straight right now I am just going to post some lyrics that kind of sums it all up right now...

you're so fuckin' weak, you disgust me! It's a drag when you bring me
down
and all the things that you say, no one cares anyway
but then you've gotta deal with me...

you step back!
you step back!
or you fall down!!

I see through the lies to the bottom of your eyes
your fake charisma pulls you through!
and the house of cards that you built on the cheap shot guilt
doesn't mean a fuckin' thing to me!

you step back!
you step back!
or you fall down!!

you're pathetic and you're weak, you're a fake and you lie
I'd like to crush you like an insect but I don't wanna do the time
do you really wanna confront me?
do you really wanna deal with me? huh? huh? huh?, no!
I really don't think so!!

you step back!
you step back!
or you fall down!!

now. what the fuck is going through your tiny little mind?
I'm gonna show ya how fragile you really are... yeah.
yeah! I think I'm gonna fuck with you, I think I'm gonna fuck with you
yeah you, yeah you! yeah you, motherfucker!

- Step Back [Rollins Band]

Yeah I know lyrics are oh so lame... I'll figure something better out later...

The Revolution is Dead: Complacency in America

2008-04-10T17:32:00.002-04:00

We are all doomed. All hail lord Apathy. We are the generation of the damned. There is no hope for us. If we can't eat it or fuck it we don't care. And those who do, they shall enslave us like the mindless beasts we are. Welcome to the world of the have and have-nots. Which camp are you in? By the time we decide to revolt, we will already be up against the wall with our brains splattered everywhere. Fuck conservative, fuck liberal, we need change. I am not talking about some pre-election bullshit lip service either. We are on a train to hell with no brakes. There is no hope for us, better learn to enjoy the ride fuckers.

Speaking to the Illiterate Masses

2008-04-04T01:00:00.002-04:00

Working at a library for damn near 10 years has brought many interesting scenarios to my attention. Here is a nice little factoid for you all, did you know that for some strange reason, a majority of people who go to public libraries actually do not read books? I hate with a passion people who do not read. Understand this is not people who cannot read, I tend to feel sorry for them, but people who can read, yet consciously choose not to, they drive me fucking crazy. For example, someone comes in wanting a copy of Romeo and Juliet, because their child has to do a report for a high school English class. I tell the lady where to find the book. She finds it and brings it up to the desk and starts copping an attitude with me because she was looking for the novel not the play. Seriously? Jump in front of a bus. After some discussion she decides to rent the movie because the play would be too hard for her teenage child to comprehend. What? Another thing that really pisses me off, people who want me to summarize or recommend movies for them. I'm sorry did the sign out front say Block Buster? Did I miss something about the job I've worked at since '98?? This is a fucking library. Need me to recommend a book? I'm your man! Want a review of a DVD we have, check fucking IMDB or something. I am sick of people coming to the library only to borrow DVDs, CDs, or use the internet. Please, for fucks sake, read something. A comic book? A graphic novel? A picture book? Anything. Just fucking read. It's not like I am trying to cram fucking Tolstoy or Burgess or whomever down your throat. If we don't start getting more literate we are going to wind up a bunch of culturally inbred fucktards. Seriously.

A Video for your enjoyment.

Fuck your way right away.

2008-04-01T00:49:00.002-04:00

People who go to a fast-food restaurant, proceed to go through the drive-thru, and then special order items off the menu need to go die. When I go to my fast-food restaurant of choice the decision is typically made with the idea of timeliness and convenience in mind. I know what I want, and I want it as soon as possible, hence using the drive-thru. What I don't need is some fucking twit in front of me special ordering menu items, adding, subtracting, and substituting various other food items and toppings.
If you want a cheese burger order a fucking cheese burger. If you don't like that they put bacon on their bacon cheese burger, don't try to substitute swiss cheese for the bacon, how about you just don't fucking order it. Order something else. The concept of fast-food has become a joke. Between incompetent workers and these fucking item swapping bastards, my fast and efficient experience has become akin to watching snails fuck. Slow and boring.
Please for the love of what have you, if you don't like the way fast-food restaurants prepare their food, or you like to customize your food, here is an idea, learn to fucking cook. When you cook you can do what ever the hell you want to any given recipe. In the mean time please stay the fuck out of my way when I am craving a double cheese burger, because I am on a time schedule here douchebags.

You are not "Progressive Rock" if you are not moving forward

2008-03-28T20:18:00.003-04:00

It's 2008 is rock dead yet? I can't figure any of this out. This trend that's been brewing for the last couple of years that every piss poor local band that doesn't want to pigeon hole itself into a genre is suddenly "progressive". Just because you can noodle out some jazz chords on your guitar doesn't make you "progressive". Just because you use some sort of synthesizer or sample machine does not make you "progressive". Just because your drummer can play in some fantastical made up time signature does not necessarily make you "progressive". Covering bands like Pink Floyd, Rush, King Crimson, The Moody Blues, etc definitely does not make you "progressive", that makes you a cover band. The point being is that in the late 60's and early 70's bands were progressive because they were doing something different then what was considered the typical formula for an average rock band. Bands these days claiming to be "progressive" while sounding like a "classic rock" "jam" band, are full of shit. Your lack of creativity also shows in your lack of being able to mold and create your own genre. Stop playing "oldies" and actually do something new and creative. Go back to your mom's basement and listen to your shitty record collection while high, in the mean time I guess I'll see you on the bar circuit assholes.